My last post was mostly written on a Sunday morning. I had made it to worship practice, but quickly realized that the grief, guilt, and deep sadness that I was wrestling with was going to leave me completely incapable of keeping things casual. There was no way I was going to be able to sing a lyric like “Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on when we will be forever with the Lord. When disappointment, grief, and fear are are gone, sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored. Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past, all safe and blessed, we shall meet at last” without completely breaking down. As I’m pretty sure there’s something in the Shorter Catechism about public displays of emotion, I left church and went to the coffee shop. (Sorry if that’s not very Jesusy. It’s where I was at.)
When I finished writing, I got up and stretched my legs. “So, You want to be everything I need,” I said to God. “That sounds pretty great, and right now I’m even feeling like I could believe it enough to trust-fall backwards into Your arms.”
I felt Him smile.
“So,” I said, ruining the moment, “how do I get access to this provision?”
I felt Him just look at me intently with a half-smile, waiting for it to sink in.
“Oooh … I’m still doing it, aren’t I?” I dropped my head.
Then He said this:
“I do not dwell in temples made with hands. I need nothing. Worship is what you owe me, but it doesn’t add to Me.
“Everything that is in the earth and in the heavens, visible and invisible, all things, all powers, all authorities were created by Me and exist for Me.
“I am the beginning and the end. I am before all things, and it’s only through Me that they hold together.
“I give life, breath, and all things to all people. By me rulers reign and decree justice. The hearts of kings are like water in My hand. It is in and through Me that you live, and move, and have your very being.
“I am able to do so far beyond anything it could possibly even occur to you to think to ask of Me.
“I will not be a means to any end in your life but Myself, Rick. Anything else would be less than what I have promised you.”
I cried in the coffee shop. No one seemed to mind.
I am beginning to know Him. I am beginning to believe. I am beginning to be slowly persuaded that He is really able to sustain and grow the fledgling faith I have in Him, and that He will continue to sanctify and make me more like His Son. That’s what I want.
I’m trying not to want less by adding more.