I’m sitting in a coffee shop, trying to trust.
It’s Friday night and I really wouldn’t say I’m all that awake. To be completely honest, most of my last post was written weeks ago. This week hasn’t felt much like victory. I got some difficult news at the beginning of the week that’s been weighing on me heavily. There are people in my life that are hurting bad, and I’m not sure what to do. I’m lonely. I’m looking too far ahead, trying to figure things out, and I’m afraid. I’m hearing the familiar, shuffling footsteps of depression poorly shadowing my every movement. It’s always there, just behind. Perhaps just a bit closer now. It’s been a rough week.
I was praying on the way to work this morning, asking God to help me trust Him. I asked him to help me rest in His sufficiency. It “occurred” to me that often what I call “trusting God” probably really isn’t. The cycle looks like this: I’m in the dark, afraid, trusting my failing circumstances. I cry out for help, for mercy. God whispers His love for me, reminds me that He hasn’t gone anywhere. I feel better, until the next time. Increasingly, I find myself doubting, wondering if all I’m doing in those crying out moments is just recharging my leaky hope that one day it’s going to get better.
Today, I found myself looking honestly at the process and realizing that’s probably exactly what’s happening. (Stay with me.)
I think I am finding confidence in those dark times, but I’m not sure it’s a confidence in Christ. I think I might be simply reassuring myself that He’s going to offer a solution and fix my pain. I fool myself into thinking that I’m trusting God to fill those holes in my heart, but often all I’m doing is believing that God will eventually provide a substitute for the things that are lacking in my life. My ex-wife wants nothing to do with me, my relationships don’t fill the empty spaces like I (unreasonably) expect them to, I’m underemployed and living in a friend’s basement. So I find my confidence in a renewed belief that maybe someday God will bring someone into my life who will love me perfectly. Maybe someday all my problems will be solved because of a thing, a person, or a situation that will ease my suffering.
I think in those moments I’m not so much trusting God as I am trusting Him to one day give me something in which I’ll be able to find confidence and security.
I wonder if, in those moments, God is looking at me and asking me if I could just trust Him to be everything that I need … right now.